I was been molested and r*ped starting from the age of 9 & 10...here is my story

Hello, I am not really sure how I should start. It has taken me along time to convince myself to tell someone my story. So here goes. I am doing this because I believe I will help someone who has gone through things similar to me know that it is not there fault.

I will start with what happened to me when I was between the ages of nine and ten. My babysitter started to molest me. What made it even worse was that he was also a distance cousin. He would make me and my other girl cousin do sick things. Like watch movies of people having sex, and play gold fish were everytime we had to draw a card we had to take clothing off. He made us sit for hours naked so he could stare at us and make sick comments about our body. Me and my cousin put an end to that when we tried to run away. He had made us believe that what was happening was our fault. He said that everybody would believe that too. We finally broke down and told my older sisters. He was sent away for a little while, and when he came back everything had changed. We forgave him for what he did to us, even though it still hurt.

Here is where things get hard for me to talk about so please just bere with me as I try my best to describe the hell I have gone through.

When I was twelve my whole world fell apart. My sister starting running away and doing terrible things. I still though about what had happened to me when I was younger. I started to cut on myself. I would use a razor blade to cut deep marks into my arms. I only did it a little, then when I was thirteen I was told that my mother was going to die, I lost it. I locked myself in my bathroom and took a razor blade to my wrists, praying I would die.

My mom survived and things got better for a little while. I started my freshmen year and things were going great for me. I was a straight A student with a lot to look forward too. Then I met a girl who was just like me, she also cut on herself. Things quickly went down hill again. I started to cut on myself almost daily. In november I transfered schools and me and my mom moved in with her boyfriend. I started doing everything I could to forget about the pain that I felt inside. I did every drug I could get my hands on and partyied as much as possible.

In December my mother found out about my self mutilation and sent me to a phycologist. Who then sent me to a Phychiatrist who prescribed celxa for manic depression, and trazedone for sleep. I convinced everybody I was getting better, but I wasn't inside I was slowly getting worse. Then one day I hit the bottom.

It was late in January and I convinced my mom to let me go out with my friend, her boyfriend, and another guy. We promised my mom we would be at her house the whole night, but after I called my mom from my friends house we took off to the other guys house.(I prefer not to mention names if you don't mind). When we got there we started drinking and smoking weed. Bye one that morning I was gone. My friend told me that this guy was into me, and that he was only 18, me being 14 at the time thought that was sooo cool. She and her boyfriend went in the other room to get some "sleep". Leaving me and this unfamilar guy alone. I was laying on his couch so he gave me a pillow and a blanket. I was on the verge of passing out when I felt him crawling under the covers with me. I was like fine whatever because he wasn't doing anything. Then he started to kiss me, I kissed him back not really thinking about it.

I couldn't thing abot anything, and my head was spinning. He started to unbutton my pants and stick his hand down ther and then he proceeded to finger me. He then pulled down my pants and got a condom out of his wallet. I couldn't focus on anything and then it hit me what he was doing. He started to spread my legs and I told him I didn't want to do anything like that. He told me it was fine and kept going I tried to push him away but I didn't have any string. He then pushed himself inside me so hard, that I wanted to cry. It hurt so bad. I tried telling him to stop and pushing him away but that didn't work since he had me pinned on the couch underneath him. I was crying for him to stop the whole time, but he didn't.

After wards he got up and went to the bathroom. When he came back he just looked and me and goes I'm sorry. I then passed out, and when I woke up in the morning he was laying there looking at me like nothing had happened. I got up and went to the bathroom, I was bleeding bad and it hur to pee. He drove me and my friend home and as I got out of the truck he goes You know you wanted it. I later found out that he told my friends boyfriend that I started it and asked for it.

My grades starting falling and I started cutting worse, finally on feb 13 I lost it. I tried killing myself. I end up in a hospital under suicide watch for five days. When I got out I vowed I wasnt going to do things like that anymore, but no matter what happend I just went back to cutting, doing drugs and getting in trouble. Finally I hit my last straw after trying to kill myself again, running away and getting arrested. I finally started getting better. I have never told anybody about what happened that night. I want to tell my mom but don't know how. I will never forget that night. He not only took my viginity but he took my pride and my will to live.

I have since recovered, I am starting my 10 grade year in the fall, and I know longer do drugs, or cut myself. I wrote poetry though everything I was going through and it gives me the strenght to continue everytime I want to stop. I am getting past what he did to me. I am not saying it was easy because god knowes it wasn't. I still have nightmares, and bad days, but with the help of my friends and family, my depression is dissapearing, and I realized that in the end people like him get what they deserve. Even if I do tell my mom what happened I know I will not press charges even thoug I could have gotten him on rape and statatory rape because I later found our he was 24, but that is my past and all I want to do is look forward to my future, and forget about the past.

I wrote my story to tell everybody out there with a story like mine that there is hope, and people do really love you. Don't ever believe that what happened to you was your fault, becasue believe it or not IT WASN'T. Thank you for listening and Know you are not alone in your struggle, my prayers are with you and so is god. Bye bye. Know that there is always hope. Even if it doesn't seem like it.